I am hopelessly depressed. My friend wants to go to a restaurant to celebrate my birthday. My friend, not me. She suggested it a few weeks ago and since then she has been bugging me about details. Where, when, who. I do not have the heart to tell her I do not want to do this stupid dinner thing with everybody, but I just want to be alone. I don't get hurt when I am alone.
So we are going to a dinner (that I do not want to do), and yet my friend is STILL bugging me about what we are doing afterwards. She wants to drink. I do not drink (although there is a first time for everything). I have already told her NO to drinking three times, and she keeps pushing me, asking me. I hate being pushed. I am a sucker, but I have a limit. A dinner is fine, if I were in a better mood I would love dinner, except she made it into this whole big deal with details and planning and meeting up and invitation. I hate big deals. I like casual, very very casual. If this were done my way, I would tell nobody that my birthday is coming up and I would just call them on my birthday spontaneously and say, "Hey, today is my birthday, want to go to dinner with me and friends?". No pressure, no planning, no obligations.I just did not have the heart to tell her that I did not want this birthday thing, she has been waiting so long for a bunch of our friends to finally get together this summer. So now, my birthday is her first chance and she jumps at it, and I just did not have the heart even though I am half dreading it.
I wanted B. to go to the dinner with me. But he has work. He did not take a day off like he did last year. He did not even TRY. He did not even ask. I understand if he asked and they refused, at least he showed some effort, but that effort is not there and I am hurt because I just want a nice birthday. I have never had a nice birthday with him. And now I am crying, because all I want is a nice birthday, some time with him, a thoughtful gift (not clothes, I am not into clothes). I just want a nice birthday, I want to feel special. I never feel special. Not on my birthday, in fact last year, I was the last thing on his list of special people. First came his sister who he spoiled rotten on my birthday, and then his mother, and then after he dealt with all his family's wants, he said "okay, let's go celebrate your birthday now (now that I have gotten everything else out of the way and all that is left is your birthday)".
Even if I married him and I was his wife, I would still not be family, because family is very important to B. and he spoils his family rotten, I'm surprised there aren't worms crawling out of them. But even if I was his wife I know that I would still be on the bottom of that list. The only way he would ever treat me like a special person is if I am carrying his baby. I am so jealous of his sister, he always treats her like someone special. And she is, she's his sister after all. But it is not fair (I know I am whining, I'm sorry). She doesn't even appreciate a third of the things he does for her! SHE does not wait 6 hours every day until he wakes up so she can get 5 minutes of his individual attention. She does not plan his gifts meticulously for no special occasion. (There was this one time a little before my birthday I bought B. a bottle of cologne. I wanted to get the perfect scent, so I compiled a list of all his current fragrances, the ingredients in them, found the common ingredients in them, and then looked at hundreds of fragrances. I made a list of possible fragrances he might like, the ingredients those fragrances contained and I cross referenced them by ingredient trying to figure out which scent B. would like best. I got a headache sniffing all of them, and finally settled on one). His sister does not do that, and yet she gets the best of the best of him. SHE does not conform every second of her free time to meet his schedule. And where is the justice in that?
So we are going to a dinner (that I do not want to do), and yet my friend is STILL bugging me about what we are doing afterwards. She wants to drink. I do not drink (although there is a first time for everything). I have already told her NO to drinking three times, and she keeps pushing me, asking me. I hate being pushed. I am a sucker, but I have a limit. A dinner is fine, if I were in a better mood I would love dinner, except she made it into this whole big deal with details and planning and meeting up and invitation. I hate big deals. I like casual, very very casual. If this were done my way, I would tell nobody that my birthday is coming up and I would just call them on my birthday spontaneously and say, "Hey, today is my birthday, want to go to dinner with me and friends?". No pressure, no planning, no obligations.I just did not have the heart to tell her that I did not want this birthday thing, she has been waiting so long for a bunch of our friends to finally get together this summer. So now, my birthday is her first chance and she jumps at it, and I just did not have the heart even though I am half dreading it.
I wanted B. to go to the dinner with me. But he has work. He did not take a day off like he did last year. He did not even TRY. He did not even ask. I understand if he asked and they refused, at least he showed some effort, but that effort is not there and I am hurt because I just want a nice birthday. I have never had a nice birthday with him. And now I am crying, because all I want is a nice birthday, some time with him, a thoughtful gift (not clothes, I am not into clothes). I just want a nice birthday, I want to feel special. I never feel special. Not on my birthday, in fact last year, I was the last thing on his list of special people. First came his sister who he spoiled rotten on my birthday, and then his mother, and then after he dealt with all his family's wants, he said "okay, let's go celebrate your birthday now (now that I have gotten everything else out of the way and all that is left is your birthday)".
Even if I married him and I was his wife, I would still not be family, because family is very important to B. and he spoils his family rotten, I'm surprised there aren't worms crawling out of them. But even if I was his wife I know that I would still be on the bottom of that list. The only way he would ever treat me like a special person is if I am carrying his baby. I am so jealous of his sister, he always treats her like someone special. And she is, she's his sister after all. But it is not fair (I know I am whining, I'm sorry). She doesn't even appreciate a third of the things he does for her! SHE does not wait 6 hours every day until he wakes up so she can get 5 minutes of his individual attention. She does not plan his gifts meticulously for no special occasion. (There was this one time a little before my birthday I bought B. a bottle of cologne. I wanted to get the perfect scent, so I compiled a list of all his current fragrances, the ingredients in them, found the common ingredients in them, and then looked at hundreds of fragrances. I made a list of possible fragrances he might like, the ingredients those fragrances contained and I cross referenced them by ingredient trying to figure out which scent B. would like best. I got a headache sniffing all of them, and finally settled on one). His sister does not do that, and yet she gets the best of the best of him. SHE does not conform every second of her free time to meet his schedule. And where is the justice in that?
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